It’s been a very hectic few months for me after coming back from my six week trip to Chile. There, as you may have read, my son Matías really picked up and strengthened his Spanish. It was an amazing transformation, one that both my husband and I are extremely proud of. He just beams with pride when people realize his son can easily transition from Spanish to English without getting mixed up or asking for help.
However, it seems like not everyone feels the same way, and the negativity is coming from our own family. At the beginning of August, we went to my brother-in-law’s wedding. His wife, is Ecuadorian and raised in the U.S. She speaks Spanish but has admitted that she doesn’t feel completely comfortable speaking the language, and jokes that she will send her kids to my house to learn the language, but she loves that I am teaching him Spanish and she now makes more of an effort to speak to him too. Naturally, many of her guests were family from Ecuador and each of them came up to my husband and I praising our language efforts with Matías saying, “Qué bueno que le enseñen español. Bien hecho.” Needless to say, we were ecstatic and extremely proud; how could we not be?
However, my in-laws who know that I speak Spanish to him and have heard us in action many times have never commented on the subject. But on that particular day I called Matías, who was standing by his grandfather, to come over to where I was. My father-in-law looked at me, then back at the guests, laughed and blurted out some random words and sounds as if speaking Spanish blatantly mocking me. I froze in shock. It was not a mistake; it was deliberate. I kept my cool and continued to speak to him in Spanish then changing to English at the end saying “Now you can go with Grandpa” and I walked away so that he wouldn’t see my blushed face. I was beyond hurt and livid!
I just couldn’t understand — I make every effort to speak English in front of them and in their home so that they don’t feel left out, but they do know that we are a bilingual family and that’s not going to change. I told my husband and he was just as surprised as me, not knowing how to really approach this issue because, clearly, they are bothered by it.
Knowing so many of us come from both English and Spanish speaking families, I ask you, how should I deal with this? Have you had a similar experience?
{photo by leonshishman}
Could it be that Grandfather was offended that the
child was not being taught to speak his grandparents’
language while in their presence, and was attempting
to point that out in a lighthearted (if ill-conceived) way?
Hi JJ, we always speak English in the grandparents home, but in this case, I was calling him over and it was not in direct interference with the grandfather. I have had other passive agressive acts coming from him, but this one just took the cake. Sadly, knowing how he is, it was not in a lighthearted way
I teach in a dual language school; my children attended there. I think both my in-laws and my own side of the family don’t understand why I am so into bilingualism. I, too, would have felt embarrassed, had my father-in-law done that, but I can imagine it happening to me. It seems like it’s only monolingual people who feel uncomfortable when people speak other languages in their presence. Hopefully, as the world becomes more and more a global community and children like ours are raised bilingually, that will improve over time.
Thanks for this! I too am very courteous and we have even spoken about how we are raising him at the grandparents dinner table, with my husband stating that I will speak to him in Spanish, but that of course he will know English. I think he should start getting used to it, as my brother in law just married an Ecuadorian woman and there is just more Spanish being spoken coming his way!
My grandparents (monolingual English speakers) were initially freaked out about my choice to speak Spanish with my son. For the first two years of his life, before he started putting together long sentences in English, they made it pretty clear that they thought it was going to harm him. Now, they see that he can have phone conversations with them with no Spanish interference. Magically, the sly comments have stopped!
People always fear what they don’t understand. Be patient, and when your son is a bit older, they will probably have to eat their words.
It’s true – we have never ever had an incident where he couldn’t speak to them in English and they will just have to eat their words. I thought they would be so proud – after all my husband grew up in Toyko (lived there for most of his life) and learned Japanese just fine. They love to tell everyone about that, but somehow don’t like that their grandson can dish it out in Spanish!
My advice to you: ignore it and smile!
because you are doing the right thing and you know it!
I can totally relate as my entire family is monolingual. I have struggled to learn Spanish as an adult because its very helpful with my job, and I enjoy it. When I chose to enroll my daughter in a language immersion school, I got some comments from my mother in law, “How is she going to learn to speak good English?!” and stuff like that. I confidently reassured her, but still get comments from time to time. For my daughter’s great grandmother’s birthday party, she got up in front of the family and sang her happy birthday in Spanish and Mandarin. So many of my husband’s family members came up to me, in amazement of my 7 year old’s language skills! I watched as my mother in law listened to them all tell me how I was doing a wonderful thing for her.
Havent heard any comments from her since!
I think people naturally resist things that are foreign or uncomfortable to them, as they get older. I’m especially surprised your extended family isnt more supportive of you, especially since it’s part of your family history!
You are most definately doing the right thing and it’s too bad they dont appreciate it. I believe as time goes on, they will though!
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I know I am doing the right thing, I see and hear it everyday
I really think it was a bit of a personal attack on me, he likes to be the center of attention and everyone was focused on my son and his amazing language skills!! haha
Hello, I really do sympathize with your predicament. While I understand your natural reaction to want to “put peace” as we say in my country, have you considered this in a larger context … they disagree with your parenting choices, and have no qualms about displaying this in front of your child. Believe me, I understand the underlying feelings that prompted the reaction, but what he did is disrespectful, in no uncertain terms. Please, confront them with this now, calmly and with love, re-establish the boundaries, and remind them that you will brook no interference from them in this regard.
Thank you so much! Yes, I agree with you, they do not like my parenting choices and my husband and I have reiterated that this is how it is going to be. We don’t live too close, but we will be seeing them for Thanksgiving and I’m sure that will give us another chance to bring this up. Because I can promise you, something will be said!
I chose to put my daughter in a Spanish immersion school. My mom is very supportive, especially since my kid reads better in English than her cousin who is 2 years older. But when she told my uncles and cousins in a part of the country where there is quite a bit racism and xenophobia, she told me they were dumbfounded. “Why would she do that?” and “You must spEEK DEE Spanish in this country now Senor!” How ignorant. I want to get business cards made with links to all the research I can hand them out if I am ever asked personally (not that they would know what cognitive ability is). Of course your experience, Maria, is a little too passive aggressive to respond to by handing out a business card. I feel for you.
Well, long before my son was born he was a bit passive aggressive with other issues. This one he will have to ride out and learn to accept. I am pretty sure that somewhere down the line he will be able to gloat about his grandchild is bilingual. Congratulations to you for putting your daughter in Spanish immersion – my mother taught 3rd grade Spanish immersion and saw the enormous positive impact it had on her students and how well they did compared to the English only students.
Pura ignorancia! I would politely and filmily ask your family to respect your decision to speak Spanish to your kid~ que calamidad! I hear this non-sense all the time form friends but I am lucky that my family understands and supports my decision. ¡Buena suerte!
GRACIAS! Good thing is that my husband backs me up 100% and he LOVES the fact we are raising a bilingual family. The next time I see them is Thanksgiving, so we’ll see how that goes
Hola Maria!
Ah…the sweet complications of intercultural familias! I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s funny because for some reason I thought your husband was German…I don’t know where I got that from! What you have described is something that I have seen people do a million times! My analysis (analysis only because I wasn’t there nor do I know everything) is not that the abuelos don’t approve at all. I think that the abuelos were embarrassed because they were in front of friends and couldn’t understand what you were saying. It seems like it was his way of saving face in front of his guests due to his own insecurities but didn’t have anything to do with you at all. Like I said, I have seen people do this millones de veces! Often people are so worried about looking silly in front of others that they don’t even realize that what they have done is socially and culturally unacceptable. Usually intent is not meant to harm. Matias is three y pico, cierto? I’m sure you would have been given non-verbal clues by now if the abuelos did not approve. Unless this isn’t the first time, maybe giving the benefit of doubt would keep the peace with the suegros—I know I’ve had to a few times myself!
Un abrazo fuerte!
GRACIAS! Actually I am Chilena of German grandparents
I believe it was an insecurity issue along with them not liking my parenting choices. We took a little “break” from them and haven’t seen them since, but we will be joining them for Thanksgiving along with my Ecuadorian sister in law and her husband. And yes, I am keeping the peace, but standing my ground.
This is such a great post! I can totally relate, since I get some rude comments from my parents-in-law as well. I think it has something to do with the grandparents not understanding the language your child speaks- just like mine they’re afraid that they won’t be able to communicate with their grandchild. Another reason is I think that some languages have more prestige than others. For example, Spanish might not be recognized as a priority language. In Europe, bilingualism with some languages (like English or French, sometimes German) is usually encouraged, while the use of other languages (Polish/Russian/ Arabic, etc.) is considered a waste of time, hence the comments. Still, it doesn’t explain the reaction we get from some people sometimes.
Interesting point about the prestige of a language – and I have to admit I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose if it were French or German they would be telling the world! (They love all things European). But they have a wonderful English speaking relationship with my son and there has never been any issues.
My own brother has with relative frequency chided our son for his bilingualism. We in turn enlisted our son in helping to teach his monolingual relatives a second language. This is probably not the best approach, but now our three year says most everything twice in front of his uncle first in Spanish and then in English. It has ended comments that our son isn’t learning English, and in some ways made him very proud of being able to teach an adult something new.
I love seeing my son teach them words – they get flustered, but they kind of enjoyed it! (although they wouldn’t admit it to me!)
I’m bilingual, I was raised around bilinguals, and I teach bilinguals in Dubai, where hundreds of
dialects and languages are spoken. What’s sadly missing
on this page is a discussion of multilingual etiquette.
It’s important to teach children early on that it’s insensitive and unkind
to speak in the language not understood by guests, in front of those guests.
It leaves guests feeling left out and ignored. I know stories of
grandparents in tears. If the mother spoke only Spanish, it would be understandable.
But she’s bilingual and therefore is teaching her child that respect toward his non-bilingual grandparents is not paramount. That, in my book, is wrong.
JJ, I do not agree with teaching children to speak only the community language around others. If the conversation has nothing to do with the “guests” and it is not a group conversation then I see no problem in speaking the other language.
I always speak to my children in Spanish, no matter what. If I think it is necessary for whomever is around to know what I said, then I turn to them and translate, otherwise I see no need to do that.
JJ, this is a very interesting concept. Colin Baker, author of my favorite book on bilingualism, says that yes, while it is important to consistently speak to your child using your language, it is also important to let people be included, so for example if you have guests, you can use the guests language with your child. But, it is just one method. You can still make people feel included by translating what your child said or what you said to your child. I always speak Polish with my children, even though I know very well that my parents in law do not understand it. Mostly ,I translate for them. I think not everything that happens between parents and children has to be understood by other people- even grandparents. And, given that in my case, Polish is the most endangered language (it has competition from Dutch and German and it is not a high priority language, and Polish people do not enjoy a high status in the Netherlands), I have to make priorities: and in my case, consistently speaking Polish with my children is more important to me than making ourselves understood. My girls will speak German and will speak with their grandparents in that language .That I think is enough.
Ms. Olga i couldn’t agee with you more! I only speak spanish to my 15 month old, as i know that sooner or later it will become the “minority” language for him. My priority is for him to learn spanish, and not how others “feel” about “not understanding.” And trust me i get it, as a bilingual adult i do know when to speak spanish and yes, when there is a monolingual person in the room, i, myself will not speak spanish, with my bilingual peers.. But that’s a different story.
I agree 100% with Elizabeth´s interpretation. If nothing else has happened, it probably had more to do with your father – in – law´s uncomfortableness around other people with you speaking a language he doesnt understand. So maybe he reacted in an insensitive and rude way, but it doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt approve of you raising your son bilingually.
My father in law has said to me “No english in this house” when i have been speaking to my husband in English. This really really hurt my feelings and made me feel embarrassed. I definitely try to speak spanish as much as i can in their house and always to them, but sometimes its just easier to say something to my husband in english because thats our language of communication. I would let my family have it if they ever said no spanish in this house to my husband. We never really did anything about this incident as its a one time thing. I actually think they are more comfortable hearing me speak English now just because time has passed. (This happened early on in our relationship – we live in Colombia.)
I dont have kids, but I plan to raise them using the OPOL method which I think will result in me speaking English to my child around people who dont understand English and my husband speaking spanish to the child around people who dont understand spanish. I think we will explain our method to our respective families, and hopefully they will understand without a problem. If you switch languages with your child whenever other people are around, it will be a lot harder to keep up the consistency and the child may even start responding in the non target language.
Ali, that is interestingto me that your father in law said that because my Colombian father in law told me the first time I ever traveled there, the first time he ever met me the same thing basically. He told me, you speak Spanish in my country and I’ll speak English in yours. I think at least for me that my inlaws were trying to teach me something more than just the language. The strange part is that I was 20 at the time and my fluency was that of anyone who had just taken their required foreign language in college. I called my husband at the end of every day saying please speak English to me, my brain is soo tired of trying to understand what people are telling me. Here we are many years later and we only speak Spanish at home with our son, but we live in the US and he spends half of his school day in English, half in Spanish and he has learned to translate conversation, songs and even his favorite cartoons as part of the recently proclaimed mission to teach my parents and sibs Spanish.
Wow that is pretty interesting Casey! Yeah I definitely think it was about more than the language – maybe like respect and love for the country and culture. I think Colombians are super proud of being Colombian even though and maybe because of all the stereotype and judgement they face just from the fact of being Colombian (even from other Latin Americans.) I think they also knew it was best for me and my husband for me to be able to fully communicate in Spanish. At the time I could, but it was a lot of work. Thankfully its gotten easier.
My in laws dont speak English so it didnt have that part behind it. They didnt have a lot of opportunities to learn languages when they were young, but boy they have made it their mission for their kids to speak mulitple language. I think my FIL saw how he missed out on opportunities because of not being able to speak the language and made it a big priority for his kids. My husband speaks English, german, and french (really well) as a result.
I have always said that one if the reasons I want to live and raise kids in Colombia is so I would be able to speak English to them. I think if we move to the states I would have to speak spanish to the kids, just because only having input from Dad would not be enough. Were you able to start speaking spanish to your kids no problem or was it an adjustment?
Ali, you are correct. We both have to speak to our son in Spanish at all times, which yes has caused a little bit of tension for me, both because of my sibs and because I feel like I have to spend so much time giving my son what he isn’t getting from our Colombian family because they are in Colombia and scattered across Europe that I don’t get to give him what I grew up with and very loved in my upbringing in a small southern town.
Are you all located in Bogota? If so you really do have about a zillion good choices in bilingual schools at your disposal. My in laws and husband’s extended family all speak several languages, which I have always assumed is the result of the great schools and access to the embassies. DH and his brothers frequently took foreign language classes at the different embassies with their mom for curiosity.
It is really hard when youu don’t have the support of you extended family. My mother inlaw is a speech therapist trained in the seventies so she has showed her disapproval over us raising her grandson bilingual. She strongly believes it would affect his English and has old me that several times. Since i am the only one speaking Spanish to him (husband doesn’t speak Spanish) I speak Spanish to my son all the time even in front of who dont speak the language. That has not gone well with my mother in law but I keep remaining myself this is about giving my son the gift of a second language and not pleasing other people
Andrea, that is so hard to believe that your MIL has a background in academics and at the same time hasn’t bothered to look into all the research that’s been done since then or at least take a look around the world! By her rational, all the children in countries that use more than one language consistently (the Dutch come to mind) must be deficient in some way. I just checked Wikipedia for all it’s super-factual data and this is what it had to say: “There is a tradition of learning foreign languages in the Netherlands: about 89% of the total population have good knowledge of English, 70% of German, 29% of French and 5% of Spanish.” That’s in addition to the Dutch language! They are obviously just plain crazy over there
Jessica, I wish it was as you say! Because while the Dutch do speak other languages very well, they don’t consider all languages equal- for example while English, French and German are considered high priority language, others, like Polish (what I speak), Russian, Arabic or Turkish are considered low prestige languages (not useful, associated with lower income population etc.). I live in the Netherlands so I get to experience this attitude a lot! Also, having an degree in Academia or languages doesn’t necessarily mean that the person would be supportive of bilingualism. My GermanMIL is a French teacher, she speaks really good French, and while she tries to look up studies in favor of bilingualism, she still says things that only prove how ignorant she is about this topic (comparing my trilingual children with other, monolingual children, for example). If only it were so easy. My parents on the other hand are balanced bilinguals (my mother speaks equally good Polish and English, my father- French and Polish), and are totally supportive of us raising trilingual children. I don’t know where the difference is, I wish I did. Maybe it’s because while my parents know many languages and know German, my PILs don’t understand Polish and worry that they won’t be able to understand our children?
When my son was younger (around 21 months) and most of his vocabulary was Spanish, my ILs jokingly said they would have to learn Spanish so they could understand him. I could sense their annoyance/concern in it. I now know (by talking to other multilingual mothers) that they were concern that they might not be able to communicate with their own grandchildren, even though they knew that it was great thing that they could be bilingual.
Now my son is 4 and English is his dominant language and there is no doubt he can communicate with his English speaking grandparents without an issue. Yet, sometimes I notice that they don’t feel 100% comfortable when they don’t know what I said to my son.
As I mentioned in my response to one of the above comments, when I find it necessary, I do translate what I say, but I don’t make it a habit for the sake of others.
As someone pointed out once, language skills is just like any other skill you want your child to excel at and as such, you have to make sure you practice practice practice and not just when it is convenient.
I specifically saved this article in my e-mail inbox to read and respond when I had more time… sorry for the delay. It’s SO helpful to have the Spanglishbaby community where you can read responses like Chelsea’s of the successes of kids and families with children older than our own who have gone through stages before us so that we can hold out hope knowing the results will be worth the effort and disapproval. I find so much encouragement. thanks for the post and the responses. Keep the positive stories so that we have reminders when we need them!
When the time is right, have good loving conversations with your children about our values. We have to do that with our kids about not only bilingualism, but about the difference in our religious beliefs and morals as well, and we always keep the line of communication open. We are honest that our own family has different views than us, but we still love them and honor family ties.
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