If you grew up like me, you remember being pushed to give an abrazo to relatives you didn’t remember or who just plain gave you the heeby jeebies. I survived all those awkward moments, but I’m not planning to put my children through them.
When Ana recently posted about piercing her daughter’s ears, it was the occasion for our first disagreement (friendly, of course). In explaining my reasons for not piercing my girls’ ears, I referred to my belief in bodily autonomy. This is a family value that sometimes clashes very distinctly with my familial and cultural traditions.
I grew up a part of a very affectionate familia — hugs, kisses, cuddles all around. I have fond memories of lying like a litter of kittens all on my mom’s bed to watch T.V. or smushing ourselves onto a couch too little for the many of us at the holidays. I have long equated love and caring with physical touch.
I think that for many Latinas this is the case — entramos con abrazos y besos and even if it means we kiss 40 people before we sit down, that’s what we do. The same ritual is practiced when it’s time to go home. The physical connection with friends and family members is second nature to me and helps me feel connected to those I care about.
Even as a teacher, one of the sweet things about teaching Latino/a students is that outside of class they are the only students that will come give me a hug and kiss. It’s a shared cultural bond that brings us closer in a way that is quite lovely.
So it’s been a pleasure for me to see how my girls have adopted a lot of my affectionate ways. I wrote about this cultural body language when I noticed it first with Marisol. However, since then, I’ve also learned about the reasons why I should not enforce this custom.
To put it bluntly, forcing my girls to show physical affection is dangerous. It teaches them that they do not have control over their body and that they will be forced to do things that make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable in order to please someone. Even if it pleases me to see my girls give Abuelita a big sloppy kiss, it is not worth teaching them that they owe anyone a physical act of affection.
I know this sounds extreme. But the facts are these:
- 90% of children who are sexually abused knew the perpetrators
- 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused
- One of the top safety guidelines given to parents in order to protect their children is to not enforce physical affection and to respect their “no”s.
I also know, anecdotally, that the women in my life who were sexually abused as children all knew their molesters, and were almost always related to them.
This idea that children deserve control over their bodies is called bodily autonomy and even extends to things like hair-brushing and other “body care” activities that we engage in as parents. Some time ago, I wrote at length about the reasons why I try and honor my children’s “no”s when it is safe to do so.
What I said then and believe now is that it is important to teach our children that their consent is required before anyone else gets to touch their bodies. If I teach my kids that I can touch them whenever and however I want, despite their feelings, they will just replace me with other people they care about as they move through life. I prefer to deal with the hassle of seeking consent now than trying to teach them, as adults, that their consent matters.
And that applies to kissing Abuelita, or Tía, or Tío, or anyone else.
It’s also not that hard to do:
“Would you like to give Abuelita a hug?” If yes, then great!
If no, then “Okay. If you feel like it later, just let her know.” Or “Okay, well if you feel like giving her a hug, or a handshake, or a high-five later, just let her know.”
Usually, they do offer a hug or a kiss or something. However, even if they don’t, I don’t force it. I know my mom is not going to hurt them, and I like to think that I know that about all our friends and relatives, but I’d be a fool to think that abuse doesn’t happen in families like mine or among friends like ours. It happens across class and culture and to force my girls to do something because it makes me happy, knowing that it would mean taking away from them one important line of defense against predators, would be selfish.
I know many Spanglishbaby readers will disagree with this, and I’m okay with that. I’m also hoping to learn if you’ve found other ways to balance the need for safety and the cultural tradition of hugs and kisses for everyone.
{Photo via Caitlinator }
It takes a lot of strength to recognize potentially problematic parts of one’s culture and even more to be willing to stand up to friends and family about it. It took me a long time to see that it was not my husband who was culturally different, but that I have my own cultural baggage too and we both have to decide together what are the positive elements of both of our cultures that we want to share with our son.
Thanks, Casey. I only started examining these things more closely as a parent. Then, looking back, I began to see things differently.
I am facing with this “problem” right now. I am traveling in few days to Lima, Peru with my 4 years old son. And it is the first time y family is going to meet him, so they can’t wait to hug him and kiss him, etc. So I have been already saying to some members of my family to be patient and not to force him. I remember when I was a kid having to kiss and hug everybody and to be honest I didn’t like it. I love of course now to get together with my Latino friends and give them kisses but I love the fact that it is my choice, so I am going to respect that for my son. If he doesn’t want to kiss or hug he will give a high five. I am hoping nobody gets offended there
. I think it is a great experience for my son to see how we say hi, and then he can decide what he wants to do in the future. Wish me luck!!! 
Mary–what you’re doing by prepping la familia in advance is so smart! I think it’ll be fine. Especially since once he’s comfortable, he’ll get to show them his joy in other ways, and they’ll just forget about it. I hope you have a great trip!
Phew! This is a delicate topic! I already had the “talk” with my son about how to say “no” when he is uncomfortable with a situation and when a situation is ok and when is not ok, some doctors would even suggest to act with them a situation and practice to say “no, I don’t like it” and tell an adult immediately (same case with bullying) –
In our case, my son has never been very affectionate, my folks would even call him a “malcriado” (poorly raised) and “¡es un gringo!”, he just won’t hug or kiss, not even his grandparents, is just his personality and I’ve learned to live with it, in any case, I think talking to them as if they are “big kids” and practicing to say “no!” could really help. Thank you for sharing and have us think about it
Thanks, Xochitl! It is delicate, and so important. I remind myself that the way I teach to her treat people who I know, but who are strangers, or just feel strange, to her, will be the way she treats strangers when I’m not around, so I much prefer some social awkwardness over her feeling obligated to hug or kiss someone who has bad intentions. Your role-playing idea is fantastic too!
This is an interesting post, but I find myself with different feelings about it. I do strongly agree that we should teach our children to say know and to respect their body autonomy.
Having a gorgeous 2 year old boy myself and as a Mexican living in England – I can see the difference with my cultural upbringing and my English husband. His family doesn’t share any physical contact – no hugs or kisses. That was until I arrive and started to give say hello with a kiss and a little hug and now they are all happy to do that.
I must mention that I never told them it was my tradition, I just did it – of course, respecting them if they gave any signs that they didn’t like it.
Now that I am a mom – I would lie if I say that I don’t ask my son to give a kiss to his Nanna (Nan) but I don’t do it often. I give them a hug and if he is around and happy to do it, then he gives them a hug or a kiss.
I recently read a phrase that I really liked: “it is not what you do for a child that makes the biggest impression on her character, but rather, who you are that has the most influence” ( I believe from the “Freakonomics” book by Malcolm Gladwell)
I am Mexican. I like to give a kiss and a cuddle to my family and friends. I can say “no” when something makes me feel uneasy.
I appreciated this article and it is a good reminder about encouraging children`s `bodily autonomy.’ I never really considered this an important issue but I think you are right on!
Ah, you wrote it!
Thanks for being willing to share this openly and honestly.
I have to admit that it does shock me a bit, but I totally understand where you’re coming from and the love it drips.
You did make me think how I approach the situation, and I realize I do ask her to hug and kiss her family, but never with force. I do want her to make her own decisions, but I also want her to understand the importance of affection and being able to separate affection from bodily harm or intrusion. To that point, we’ve already talked about what’s appropriate affection and what isn’t. She knows who can touch her and where. She know how to respond and what to do. At least we’ve talked about it several times and go over it often.
Thanks for opening up this discussion!
Besos
Yup, I agree. I should admit that I’ve always been a bit timid but especially when I was a kid. I am first generation American-born, Mexican and perhaps that also had an effect because we weren’t totally surrounded by this tradition, except within close relatives. Growing up I always felt awkward when family would push me to kiss and hug relatives I didn’t know very well. As I became a young adult, I understood that it’s just what had to be done and did it, still awkwardly though. I’m totally comfortable about it now. I like that it helps me feel more connected. However, I remember thinking as a young adult that if I where to have children I would never force them to do anything they weren’t comfortable with. I have a 2.5 year old now and after reading this realized that I am doing what I always thought I wouldn’t do. I’ve been gently pushing her to kiss and hug when she doesn’t really want to. Ugh, can’t believe it, how did this happen? The kid is such a joy and I want people to see that in her and am afraid that if she doesn’t hug and kiss that it won’t come through. I hear the stories of abuse of relatives by relatives as children and am horrified at how common it is.This was a great reminder to allow my child to be herself. I will role play situations now and will expect her to greet people by saying hello or waving a hand, at least. Thanks for article!
Great discussion! I admit just the other day I was pushing my kids to give their grandparents hugs and kisses. I do though, totally agree with you and this article was a great reminder for me
I do however, think it’s important to reinforce that although they are not required to give a hug or a kiss, that they do need to extend good manners and that includes a handshake (or high five) which are technically a physical greeting, but not threatening or crossing any personal boundaries. I think this is a very good compromise.
Oo, good topic. I remember being forced into hugs and kisses when I was younger, and I hated it. It’s not a part of my culture, but it was something I experienced. Maybe that’s why I have trouble hugging people, even family, as an adult!
Found you via MBC!
Yes, I do agree with this. This is a topic I have recently paid attention to after someone on a different parenting board posted a link to kidpower.org. They have excellent advice and tips for parents regarding teaching personal safety. They posted an article a few weeks ago about this exact same topic and it makes so much sense. Now, I try to tel my kids “despidete de tu abuelo/abuela/tio/tia”. It is my kid’s choice to either wave bye, blow a kiss, handshake, high five a or a kiss and a hug. As long as they are not rude (they must show respect for other people), I am going to let them make that choice. It is hard and it will be hard because some relatives will not understand.
I have a different perspective as an American who has been living in Colombia for four years and got married to a Colombian. Of course I hated the fact that I had to say hello and goodbye to everyone in the room whenever I entered or left (with a kiss usually) and I still feel awkward sometimes. However I would say I have pretty much adjusted. I think just the fact that it might make a kid feel uncomfortable is not enough a reason to not make a kid do it. I was shy as a child and my parents always made me do things I didnt want to do just for the very fact of helping me confront the shyness. I am very glad that they did this because i have the tools to confront it now. I think that differentiations can be made between polite contact when greeting people and possible contact that could lead to sexual abuse. I actually think its sad to lose all of that because of sexual abuse that has happened. I personally love how my husband hugs and kisses my nephews, but I also know that it could look weird to a typical american who would never see a man doing that. I of course had to tell him so he knows and has to make some choices based on the cultural context. I think bicultural kids and people have to learn to adjust based on the situation. At my workplace – I dont really like to interrupt everyone and say hi to each person, but they would think it was rude if I didnt so I do it! I think as bicultural parents we have to teach our kids to do things that they dont necessarily feel comfortable with, especially if they are not living in a 100% Latino environment.
As a teacher my latino kids do start out hugging me goodbye and of course i hug them back, but its also not important to me for them to greet me that way every day and they learn that they dont really do that with me. In a way I am teaching them something about American culture.