Photo by Katrina Nicole
I was not a good mamá this morning. I lost my patience big time and entered into the biggest battle of wills with a tiny person with a really strong head (guess where she gets that from?!)
This week I finally started committing to a resolution I´ve had to wake up at 5:30 am to have some ME time. The day goes by so quickly with mom-duties, house-duties and business-duties that I never get around to the me-duties. After considering the available time-slots in my day, I realized 5:30 am was the only time that I could actually, uninterrupted, devote some time to a morning yoga and breathing routine. (Remember how amazing I felt after the Zumba class I took? I have not been able to make it back, no matter how much I plan for it.)
A friend was helping me by sending friendly reminders over the weekend to remind me of my goal for Monday morning. It worked. The last two days I woke up with a sense of excitement, headed to the family room and took a 45 min yoga class online with YogaGlo. By the time my girl woke up an hour later, I had already created a happy-space in my soul that allowed me to be present with her. It was also nice to not wake up to the sound of a shrill “Mamiiiiiiii, ¡ya desperté!”
But last night I decided that I really, really wanted to watch the new Telemundo telenovela, La Reina del Sur. After 20 years of leading a telenovela-free life, I’ve succumbed to the thrill and intrigue of this novela based on a best-selling book by Arturo Pérez-Navarte. Heck, even my husband read the book–it´s that good. So, I stayed up till 11:30 watching the gorgeous Kate del Castillo delve into the narco-world. Yep…I did not wake up this morning at 5:30 am.
Of course, the morning I haven´t created a happy-space in my soul my daughter wakes up earlier than usual with a horrible cough and a no-collaboration mood. I spent the next 35 minutes persuading her to take the medicine that would alleviate the cold and she could head to daycare. Note, she had no fever or was sick otherwise, so she´s allowed to go. We both got very, very necias and by that point it was a battle of the wills. A bad, bad idea with a preschooler.
I lost it. I became la gritona. None of my bribes were working, my coercion was in vane, my loving moments, mis gritos, nothing, nada. I had to resort to the toys-in-the-garbage-if-you-don´t-listen-to-me method. Didn´t work. Today she lost one Barbie and one Ken. Then, I moved on to the ultimate, most-shameful method: blankie in the trash.
That did it. She gave in. But, did I win? I really don´t think so. The battle left me depleted and feeling shame and plain yuckiness. So much so that I ran to the computer to share this story with you just to get it out of me. I know I could have dealt with this in so many ways. For starters, I´ve realized how much I really do need that me-time I had started creating. The first day I let it go, I let in the chaos. A sign?
How do you deal with mommy meltdowns?
I’m so sorry, Ana. It does happen to all of us, though. None of us are perfect parents, no matter how hard we try. The trick is to remember to forgive – each other and ourselves.
Whenever I lose it with my kids, I always try to make sure I apologize and tell them I promise to try and do better. Sometimes I explain the source of my frustration, sometimes I just let it be.
It works better if I can help them understand by describing a similar instance when they may have felt the way I do. But that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes it’s really hard to explain the pressure to be everything to everyone except yourself….especially when we are on a time limit.
You are a wonderful parent. And though you might not be perfect, you are still the perfect mother for her.
Un abrazo, Mama!
I really need to work on explaining to her why I got frustrated and reacted like I did. I might underestimate how much she can understand at 3 years of age.
Thanks for the advice!
Oh Ana,
You are really giving me flashbacks here.
I believe your Vanessa does understand a lot, whether or not you talk about it, and YOU should think about what you showed her:
a. even when we’re beyond frustrated and angry, we don’t have to hit, or bite, or kick.
b. Mami will make sure you do what you need to do, if it’s important. The world may have its risks and dangers but Mami will not leave you to your own devices or even to your own decisions, before you’re ready.
c. when you have a bad day, or mistakes that make you feel really bad (think: middle school), Mami will “get it”.
d. never give up.
Yes… I’m saying, you did not break her, or dullen her bright little spirit. To the contrary the impact on her will be to make her even more necia, if anything. They really do learn by example. And it’s NOT a bad thing. How many obstacles have you surmounted in life by sheer willpower?
Ok, maybe you were not as suave as you would have liked, but every one of us is a work in progress.
And that broken-hearted feeling YOU had, when you threatened to destroy the blankie– she knows that is how you felt about it. I promise she knows.
p.s. Sorry– I don’t know why I said Vanessa except that you two smart ladies have two smart little girls!
The content on my blog would be much different had I been writing during the “difficult” years. Parenting is tough work and not for the faint of heart. Your post has taken me back to those years. There were times when I craved an apartment all to myself where I could escape to for just a few hours. Guess what? We all survived the battle of wills and I no longer crave an apartment. Definitely take time for yourself b/c you deserve it. Hang in there!
Sorry to take you back there!
I can´t wait for the battle of the wills to be over. Although, I can see how necia I still am with my own mom. Ay!
Ana, truth is, we all have our bad days/moments. Unfortunately, there are the innocent bystanders that might end up paying for those lows. To give oneself a timeout might not be the natural thing to do, but it is the RIGHT thing to do when emotions are running wild at any given moment, especially if the little ones are involved. But most importantly, to be able to look back and learn from our mistakes is a most admirable quality. Cheers to you for dealing with the “yuckiness” this morning’s episode left you with (that makes you a GREAT mom!!!!). BTW, just like you, I find that writing is great therapy. It helps me put things into perspective, get things out of my system and move on. Finally, I too have not followed a telenovela since before I became a mom 16-1/2 years ago, but here I am (with you as a novela fan of La Reina del Sur). We have a lot in common!!
I also need to work more on the timeout. My husband takes over when he sees I´m going into that zone. that should be my cue for my own time out..but I need to work on it.
So we´ve both relapsed into telenovelera-land? At least I find comfort in knowing I can chismosear with you about it!
I’ve had some similar moments. You definitely need the “me” time. Also, be proud of yourself for acknowledging a lapse in judgment and patience.
Me time is so essential. Don´t understand why we don´t fight for it more..at least I don´t.
Oh, I understand you amiga. Like the ladies here are saying, we all have these moments. I think we have to, we learn from them, otherwise how would be learn? Just from others’ experiences? I don’t think so. I always try to think that in the parenting world, both parents and kids are learning, it’s not just them, although it looks like it cause we have to be that strong figure to them, but al final, we are also learning, not just about parenting but about us, those little ones know what buttons to push!!
Besos amiga! We need those masajes! LOL!
Masajes?? Let´s go STAT!
You are obviously not alone! I can’t even begin to imagine how much more difficult it’s going to get when my Shaunsito grows up. At 2 years old I’ve had these moments way too many times. He is truly his daddy on the outside and me on the inside! But like everyone has shared in their comments don’t forgot about taking care of yourself. I am like you and often need my husband to remind me to take a break and relax a little. Trust me when I say that you can and should find the time to do so. But also every day will not be an easy one. It just goes with the territory. Chin up and remember you can always vent to us here! Hugs!
Thanks for making me feel good about venting here. I never, ever thought this post would get so many comments. Definitely makes me feel part of a tribe.
You´ve got a good man if he knows to remind you to be good to yourself. I´m lucky like that, too. Problem is, I don´t listen! LOL!
Mi’ja, the original gritona is right here and I hope you can see a sea of women shaking their heads with intimate knowing of what you went through.
The beauty of these bad situations is that it gives you an opportunity to talk about what you could do better and what C could do better next time.
I have told my girl to go ahead and point out when Mami is making crazy face and yelling when she should not…and it works!
Progress, not perfection.
xo.
My fellow Gritona–I´m glad to know I´m so not alone. Makes me feel less loca.
You´re right about the talking more about it part. Working on it.
Ana, don’t feel guilty. All children forget mami’s moments when they are later showered d with love. Whenever I used to get mad at Cristian and later realized it was my stress and not his fault, I always apologized to him and had a little talk with him after I cooled down. This always helped ease the situation and showed I respected his opinion when he blatantly told me I was wrong. (humble pie! )
Whenever I wanted “me time” like meditating or reading a book, I always left the door open so he could cuddle with me. This way he felt that “me time” was open to him too. Most of the time, he would snuggle for a few minutes and leave off to do his own kid thing.
And don’t be so hard on yourself! It’s OK.
Ah…I really, really hope she forgets. I guess that´s what has affected me the most–the thought that one incident will scar her. She is too young, but still.
I promise not to be so hard on myself…I´ll just come here to let it out
Thanks so much for your word of wisdoms. You raised a handsome man.
It happens to all of us, amiga! Yet, I know that doesn’t change how you felt and how you feel right now. The thing is that, while while I could tell you that things might get “easier” as our children grow, the truth is that the issues we’ll be confronted with are just different. I guess what I’m trying to say is that parenting is the most difficult job we’ll ever have.
I can’t believe you’ve been waking up at 5:30 in the madrugada! Good for you! I’ll never be able to do that!
I know it won´t get easier and that is terrifying, but maybe we get better at dealing with it? Maybe?
I´ve always said I could never get up at 5:30, that´s why I´m doing it. some things won´t change unless I do. We´ll see…
We all have these days. Yes, take time for yourself. I find I do better at most things when I have taken care of me first.
It is totally working to have time for myself at the beginning of the day. Just wished the day could start a bit later!
Amiga dos cosas.
1. don’t be so hard on yourself (I know it’s easier said than done)
2. you are so not alone
We have all had those moments and realize after the fact that arguing with a toddler/preschooler is a losing battle no matter how we slice it.
Lo mas importante is dedicating that much needed me time. I quite haven’t found that balance and unfortunately my alter ego, La Bruja del 71 has become all too familiar in my casa as of late. But I’m working on it and am thankful for my little one who doesn’t hold it against me and melts my heart con su sonrisa.
Ningunas somos perfectas y lo mas importante es que tu pequeña sabe que eres the bestest mommy ever!
xoxox
La Bruja del 71? love it!!
you are so right in saying that he doesn´t hold it against you. So right. She melted me when she said she was sorry..before I did. Melted me…
Been there…..even after my regularly scheduled 5 a.m. “me time” my Zen and Namaste have been thrown out the window due to power struggles, & simply kids being kids…..we are all human. Thank goodness we are able to recognize and be conscience of “those” moments
You´re right Barbara. Being conscious of those moments is the only way to learn from them.
I feel I´m joining the early-risers gang now!
My most memorable moment of losing it was when I took the door off the hinges after my tween child was slamming the doors everytime they didn’t get their way. YES, I got the supernatural super mommy power one day, ran up the stairs and took the door off the hinges (w/o tools), walked away and put the door in my bedroom. But, you know what – - my tween never slammed another door in their life.
I think you handled yourself well. You made the best decision as a parent taking away something your kid values in order to obtain the desired behavior. Believe me, parenting our children never stops. It continues into adulthood. As parents we just need to keep getting more creative with our disciplinary actions.
Wow! Super woman! How did you manage that?! I´m sure it left a permanent impression.
I totally feel I´m running out of bribes and ways to coerce…yuck..hate those words.
Ana: You’re human, after all
And you’re obviously very honest with yourself & everyone else. It is totally natural to loose your temper once in a while. Remember that you’re operating on “overdrive” mode. All I can tell you is that this won’t be the last time – and it doesn’t “get better,” like others will like to tell you. It just gets “different.” But at then end, I promise you, everything will be OK. Anyway, you’re smart & you know what to do… Oh, but whatever you do, in my humble opinion (and looking back almost 2 decades later), never, never, never negotiate with your baby girl, je, je. Then you’ll set precedent. Trust me.
As far as “you” time, it’s a must. I’m not a morning person, but whatever works take it. At the end of the day, it’s all about balancing the different hats you have to wear every single day. Life is good!
Bueno, looking forward to meeting the miniature culprit and your hubby soon! You and Roxi are doing fantastic work on SB. I’m very proud of you, girls
G.
Yes, Gloria! It will be like meeting Camila all over again. Last time you saw her she was 15 months! Her and Vane are gonna go wild!
Can´t wait to see you!
It’s hard being a mom!! The kids know how to push our buttons and we’re operating on almost no sleep. I hope you don’t beat yourself about it. Every mom has a story like yours. Just last night I threatened to take away my son’s favorite lego set FOREVER because he wouldn’t stop talking about “pee, butt, poop” in a crowded movie preview.
Good for you for making time for yourself!
“Pee, butt, poop!” That’s funny..sorry! Actually, C has been repeating those words over and over lately, too.
And,yes…it’s hard being a mom. No doubt.
{abrazos} — I don’t succumb to that as often as I did when they were little. It gets easier in some ways, but I definitely remember feeling like a horrible mother some days. It’s super normal.
I’ve been skipping my telenovela lately, as much as I love it – and I’ve been avoiding La Reina del Sur because I can’t handle another commitment. LOL. Watching until 10 pm means I don’t get to bed until 11 or even midnight. I’ve been so tired – it just isn’t worth it. If I had a DVR I’d tape it and catch up on the weekend perhaps – so there’s an idea for you.
Get a good night’s sleep, amiga, so you can keep making that sacred morning time for yourself. As you already know, it can change how the entire day goes.
I can’t believe you are not watching this novela!
I’m not DVRing it because I’m still in denial that I’m watching it. LOL!
I know exactly how you feel as I have had many melt downs and resorted to fighting it out with a 5 yr old! I know, it’s as crazy as it sounds, then afterwards feel so crappy inside! Don’t beat your self up! I think it has happened to every mom at one point. The good thing is that “GooD” moms recognize this…….. all we can do is try to be our best.
*Hugs*
Tara
Thanks, Tara! Means a lot. The crappy inside feeling is the worse. It really did help a lot to write this and to read all the amazing comments. I’m in awe..
I believe all mothers have had and continue to have boxing matches/battle of the wills with their little ones. We also have had bad mommy decisions that would make great stories (I trump your Ken and Barbie with stuffed animals and the Barbie train). It is an endless cycle of love and war. All we can do is pray that it’s the wonderful love you give them with the tools for life that will make them responsible human beings on this planet.
As for the novella, DVR is the way to go! Eveyone needs a guilty pleasure, que no?
Oh, no! Not the Barbie train!! It really, really hurts to do it, right? When I went for the blankie I never, ever thought she would give it up just to not give in. I never want to throw her blankie away…that would scar her for sure. Glad Dad came to the rescue.
You are right about the cycle of love and war. Intense love requires intense war?
Bueno, me gustó la historia. Todo perfectamente normal. Y espera que cuando crecen se pone mas divertido!!! Solo esta pequeña nota porque el autor de La Reina del Sur es Arturo Pérez- Reverté, ha escrito otras novelas bien logradas como La Piel del Tambor, y El capitan Alatriste.
Gracias, Marisa!
Those are constant when A. you have a son with Bi-polar, B. you your self have add, & c. you have three other kids who need attention.
I try to go joggin as my stress reliever. its my me time with noone just the wind and me usually when the weather is nice I go early in the am before anyone gets up.
And many times after I meltdown me desculpo. and tell the kids I was having a bad time
And those novelas I will look into them at our library.