I’m tired…culturally exhausted. I could speak Spanish all day, no problema. But lately, it seems like that’s not enough for me to be accepted by Spanish speakers. I can’t change my deep-seated values or my general way of being, but I am feeling pressured to do so in order to just be part of my extended family.
I’ve had some minor clashes with my mother-in-law and stepdaughters recently that are making me reevaluate how I’m really seen by the Latino people around me. Worries are racing through my mind: Do they view me as a fake, just adopting part of their culture to try to fit in? Do they think I speak gringa Spanish and do they laugh at me when I’m not around?
A large part of the conflict has been due to the fact that my husband’s not here; he’s in Basic Training for the Air Force. I never realized how much of a middle man he was — between me and his family — until he left and our communication was virtually cut off. I’ve been here, taking care of the kids (when I have them) and holding down the fort, while he’s gone. It hasn’t been easy for many reasons, but one that I didn’t expect was this sudden feeling of being an outsider with his kids and parents.
There are huge differences between the Latino parenting style and the American parenting style. I grew up in a middle-class American world, in which I was awarded independence at a young age. My parents valued self-sufficiency, and my brother and I became responsible very fast (because we knew there was an OR ELSE and we wouldn’t be handed everything). I treat my 4-year-old as though he is much older, and he rises to meet my expectations, for the most part. With my stepdaughters (10 and 12 years old), I try to do the same. I expect them to act the same way that I did at their age: much more mature than they truly are. In my eyes, maturity is not just an extra; it’s a survival skill.
What I have found, though, is that the girls have been sheltered by their culture, protected from all the “what-ifs” and prized as many Latina daughters are. While they are truly sweethearts, we’ve had quite the struggle when I expect them to be responsible. The problem of late is that I’ve been halted by their abuela, who is a huge influence in their lives, in my quest to help them grow up. She insists that I do not understand their culture, and implies that I must bend and baby them. I stand my ground firmly, not least of all because I know their father would stand with me. But, alas, I cannot just call him up at the moment and say what I’d like to say: “¡Ayúdame!”
Aside from worrying that I will always have this in-law clash, I am preoccupied with the future for these budding teenagers. How will they deal with all of life’s inevitable tough moments when they have been practically raised by a different generation, from a different country, who wants to protect them from said moments? And what if their parents have beliefs that conflict with those of their grandparents?
Perhaps it’s just my own insecurity or inexperience with the inner workings of Latino life, but I’d love any advice from the SpanglishBaby community about being a white American girl in the middle of a Latino American family.
What do you do when cultural and generational differences stand in the way of your daily parenting tasks? In your opinion, what is the “proper” role of abuelos in a Latino American child’s life?
{Image by Daquella manera}
Chelsea,
Sounds like an interesting situation! I can relate to your situation. I’m not a perfect Spanish speaker by any means but the fact that I embrace it is a step ahead of many. The challenge is to balance the cultural nuances. There is much to be said about instilling a work ethic in your kids. That’s something that will eliminate or at least prevent any sense of entitlement. I see the Abuela as having to respect your point of view since you’re after all…la Mama
Thanks for your input, Jose. I like that you mentioned the nuances, because there are many things that are unspoken and only revealed when you become intimately acquainted with a particular culture. But of course, there are so many versions of Latino culture! *sigh*
Interesting. Both my parents are Mexicanos. I was born in the good d USA, but raised both here and in Mexico. The way you described yourself being raised was pretty much the same way I wasbrought up. Independence, hard work an strong values were very much instilled in my sisters and I. There was no babying us. Love, yes, lots if it.
That being said, I think your differences with you suegros are not necessarily cultural, but personal. I think they are using cultura as an excuse to justify their beliefs in how a child should or should’t be raised. As the parent you have the say on how your child will be raised, they can advice, but ultimately it is up to you (and husband) wether you choose to use that advice or not.
I’m married to an Anglo, and cultura has never been an issue with my in laws. Yes, we might have our differences now and then, but for the most part their beliefs on how to raise the kids are similar to ours. Ultimately (wether they agree or not) they respect the way my husband and I choose to parent.
I hope this helps a bit.
You have a great point, Lisa: that our differences may not be just cultural. I think a lot of the conflict with my suegra stems from the fact that I “stole” her son from her, even though I’m his second wife! She had him around frequently for awhile after his divorce, and then I came along. All that aside, you’re right that I can choose to take her advice with a grain of salt. That’s what I’m trying to do by speaking out about my own views on parenting, but I’m trying to do so without ruining any future relationship. Familias are so complex!
Chelsea, I have been in your shoes and I know exactly what you’re talking about – so much so that if we were talking face to face, I wouldn’t need to say a word – I would just look you in the eye and you would know.
My situation with my suegra, (although some think it produced a lot of humorous blog content), was one of the most difficult situations I dealt with in my life. I spent a good decade trying to respect the culture. I didn’t want to be seen as someone so stubbornly American that I ripped a family apart – but in the end, this blinded me to something else — That if you erased culture from the situation and just looked at us as human beings, there was a lack of respect on my suegra’s part and I was allowing her to treat me like a doormat. That isn’t okay in any culture.
Sometimes you have to look beyond the cultural aspects, stop worrying about what people will think/say, and do what is best for your marriage, children, family and your own emotional well-being. Don’t let anyone cross boundaries that you have established for yourself just because you don’t want them to think of you as a “gringa”… We are gringas and if you’re anything like me, you have bent over backwards to not just accommodate but EMBRACE and sincerely love the culture — They need to grant you some of that same respect, compassion and compromise.
I know things are harder for you since your husband is away – but don’t let anyone take advantage of the fact that he isn’t there to play middleman. Be strong, but respectful – it is possible to do both at the same time.
I have two articles I wrote to offer you, but if you want more personalized advice or to just chat with someone who “gets” it – don’t hesitate to E-mail.
http://newlatina.net/dealing-with-a-difficult-suegra/
http://voxxi.com/3-steps-to-a-civil-relationship-with-your-suegra-mujer/
Cuidate.
Wow, Tracy…thank you so much! I really enjoyed reading your posts. I agree wholeheartedly that we teach people how to treat us, and I’ve never been one to shut my mouth. That’s what I’m largely worried about — will my semi-argumentative responses be misinterpreted? Especially when I’m trying to communicate in Spanish in an emotionally charged state, I become concerned that she may not FEEL what I’m trying to say. In some ways, I have to be MORE direct in Spanish, because I can’t just use the subtle hints and polite cultural cues I’m used to using in English.
I’ll keep you updated!
Oh boy! We deal with some in our familia. And I’m the Latina parent in our family, so it’s not just you as a White Anglo girl. And I’d agree with Lisa that your in-laws might be using cultura as an excuse. This is what my Mexican mother does when she disagrees with the way that I am parenting. Or frankly, with the way that I am a daughter to her. In other words, I am not Latina enough of a daughter in that stereotypical way that constantly gives way to the elder Mami/Abuela. She still expects that she is first in priority in my life and while this has more to do with HER, she always uses Mexican culture as an excuse… “we do it different in Mexico” which often sounds like “we do it BETTER in Mexico” — this despite the fact that I was raised here in the States with a more American upbringing, if you will. Ironically, BOTH my parents taught me to be independent, expected independence … while at the same time over-protecting me and sheltering me. It’s a hard line to walk as a grown daughter. I think it has to do with my Mami’s own sense of insecurity of how to parent- the “American” way? or the “Mexican” way?
But no doubt it is HARD to come up against that WALL of CULTURA, which when they present it seems inviolable and like I’m rejecting my heritage. I’ve had many fights with my Mami about it, when it comes to me personally and when it comes to my daughter too – mostly my Mami does not understand my new-fangled approach to parenting and sees it as a bashing of the way she did things/the way that “Mexicans” do things– as if *all* Mexicans did things the same exact way. Yes, there are generalities but there are also lots of differences and diversity. And yes, you are the Mami here and I’d continue to hold your ground, even in the absence of your husband. It might help to find compassion and empathy for the abuelas who are trying to teach their cultural values in a world that doesn’t value those things. This doesn’t mean that you have to change how you do things. It might be rough for the girls but I’m guessing they’ll work it out.
As for the girls– The girls will be okay. They will find their way. We all have to, even if our abuelos agree with our padres about how to parent, about values, about anything really, we still have to figure out what’s important to *us*. And actually, I think their lives will be richer for having more perspectives and more cultural touchstones.
Thanks for the reassurance that my stepdaughters will be fine. I guess it could be compared to the mixed messages they receive by speaking two languages. They also get exposed two cultures, two (or more) parenting styles, etc. If it’s a good thing for their linguistic skills, it’ll probably be a good thing for their ability to adapt to different situations.
I suppose that when you go through divorce, you worry about providing some measure of stability for the kids. As a child of divorced parents and a divorcee myself, I can attest to the fact that being caught in the middle has made me more resistant and more capable of making solid decisions. Maybe I need to remember that this can apply to cultural differences as well. Those differences don’t need to be the source of “inviolable” rules.
I think it depends on the generation they have been in the US. I am in my case, but Im sort of obsessed with bilingualism. Most 2nd generation Mexican-Americans I know are not and it is usually the 3rd generation that loses it. Many times I feel like the anglo gringa who learned it in school LOL
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