Editor’s note: In celebration of Mother’s Day next week, we are honoring all mothers who do everything they can to give their children the awesome gift of bilingualism and biculturalism. We’ve invited several amazing mamás who are doing just that to tell us all about it in our Week of SpanglishBaby Moms. Each one of them brings a completely different look at bilingualism. All the moms are bloggers too and if you didn’t know about them before, I’m sure you’ll want to follow them afterward.
We’ve also got a giveaway meant to pamper the sexy and romantic woman in you: a set of Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels™ beauty collection.
Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a stranger. And sometimes I feel like my daughters are being raised by a stranger, too. My mom, who I love dearly and am grateful beyond words for, has always been somewhat of a mystery to me. And I wonder, as my daughters prepare to turn two and four, if I will be a mystery to them.
In my home, we use the OPOL method; since birth, I have spoken to my daughters solely in Spanish. Immersing them in my native language has been like learning it all over again for me. It is beautiful and fascinating and challenging and surprising everyday. However, Spanish is not the language in which I think, dream, hope or feel.
My parents, who only speak Spanish, gave me values and character and shared their way of being with me. They gave me roots. That experience can never be replaced but also required few words on their part. I learned and absorbed through their generous, loving and dedicated example.
I dug those roots deeper and wider more by the lessons I’ve learned in English than those I learned in Spanish.
Every defining experience and emotional discovery has been made in English. First crush, first kiss, high school graduation, my best friendships, the best late night talks, journaling, death, falling in love, marriage, deciding to have children, birth – English.
My identity has been created in English.
What does all that have to do with a stranger raising my kids?
For my daughters, they’ve only ever had a relationship with me in Spanish. They’ve only ever had a relationship with a small part of my identity. There’s a whole other side to their mami they haven’t even met. I struggle with it because I want them to know ME, all of me. I want them to know the stories, the memories that make up this person I am – where I’ve come from, what drives me, what lights me on fire, what makes my heart soar. The language thing doesn’t prevent me from telling them my stories but when I recount them, they sound foreign and not like the stories I tell myself. So I’m left wondering: if the stories I’m telling feel foreign to me, are my daughters hearing the right story?
It makes me laugh that my mother and I seem so much alike now in our stranger-ness to the children in our lives. This Mother’s Day I’m realizing for the first time I’m very much in her shoes. My mom couldn’t share all of herself with me and vice versa because we didn’t (don’t) “speak” each other’s languages. Sure we shared Spanish but there was a thread of understanding missing.
My daughters and I, we’ve got all the pieces – shared language and the missing thread. I’ve just got to figure out when and how to introduce them to their mami. Do you know the answer? When do I start using English? When can I read them my favorite childhood book? Is four too young? Too young for language or too late for our relationship?
I didn’t think about this feeling of being perdida in translation when I chose to raise my daughters bilingual. It’s just a side effect, a delayed reaction like when I remember a random word like “fututo” or when I get teary eyed at a canción de cuna I’d forgotten. It’s a big price but it’s a giant cause, right?
Carla Molina is a multi-passionate mama of two little girls who lives to write and writes to live. A native of New Jersey, Carla studied philosophy and fell in love at Northeastern University in Boston. From there, she followed her hubby home to the Ocean State and hasn’t budged since. She’s currently working on several projects including self-publishing a line of children’s books, potty training her almost 2-year-old and launching a little website she dreamed up 4 years ago. You can follow her as she works to do it all in one lifetime at 
Beautiful, Carla.
Happy to see you writing here.
And, my identity was formed in English too…I think my daughter will think of me as having two souls…or one vibrant, multi-personality one.
And when do you introduce them? Whenever you want, mama. Whenever you want.
I love the two souls/one vibrant multi-personality =) Sometimes I just need the right way to frame things. Gracias =)
Hi Carla,
You’ve raised a very valid point and I don’t think your daughters are too young. I think it’s a wonderful way to introduce them to another part of their Mami they didn’t know before. There is no right or wrong answer. As far as your relationship with your own Mother, I think it has reached a new level because you yourself are a Mother. Good luck and look forward to reading more on your blog!
Yes, I see my mother with new eyes now that I’m someone’s mami. It is wonderful and insightful everyday.
I also think you can share your favorite children’s books with your daughters in English and still speak to them in Spanish. If it causes them to start trying to talk to you in English I think you can just explain they still need to speak to you in Spanish so they can learn.
Most of the lullabies I sing to my son are in my native tongue English but there are some that I have learned in Spanish just because I thought they were so beautiful. I think what that teaches a child is that we can take what we like the best for us, and that being bilingual offers them a double serving of the best stuff.
Anyway as your daughters grow older they will need “inputs” in Spanish besides you and sus abuelas. It’s just the way kids are: if you and their grandparents are their only source of Spanish they may not see how Cool it is.
Carla,
My daughter is 19 and it was always the two of us, for a long time. I did not speak any Spanish when she was young (and we are originally from a part of the midwest where there are very few hispanic people). She was 14 already when I married a Mexican– and his family– and now we are raising our son bilingual. Some of my only-Spanish-speaking in-laws were even living with us for a while. Imagine all that for a teenager. Imagine also my mother, who never heard me speaking any Spanish before I was into my 30′s, and suddenly my parents find themselves hosting a group of 14 people only speaking Spanish at their Disney timeshare for a week. Not to mention trying to pronounce my stepdaughter’s name Yajaira and the state Michoacan where my husband is from. They’re still working on that. But they’re trying, and that’s the point. My daughter who pointedly took German in high school is now taking Spanish in college…
I can tell you with absolute certainty that the bonds of love and family, especially motherhood, do transcend language. It feels very weird at first, yes, it does.
And another thing I found is you can’t be too dogmatic about anything. What’s important is people feeling that connectedness. Sometimes a goal you had goes by the wayside… but often there is a creative way to get both done.
Is there something about your mother you might like to know, something maybe you haven’t even thought yourself that you wanted to ask…? Could connecting with your mother’s hidden side give you more ownership of your own stories in Spanish, by hearing her stories? Just an idea…
How great for your teenager to have so many diverse influences in her life.
My relationship with my mom deserves it’s own blog but it’s something I’m working on. Writing this was a big “aha” moment. Thanks for your suggestion =)
Love this post..thank you for your reflection..it really made me think about whether or not I am not exposing my whole self to my kids by deciding to only speak in Spanish to them…
Carla, I thought this easy was so insightful. Thanks for sharing it with all of us. I know there are a lot of moms out there doing exactly the same thing you’re doing and I applaud you because I’m pretty sure it must be hard.
I feel the same way but the other way around. While I came to this country as a teenager and my life has evolved in English, Spanish is still the language with which I identify the most and in which I feel most comfortable. I constantly worry about the day when my kids get old enough that all they’ll want to hear from me will be English and how strange I’m going to feel doing that.
BTW, what is fututo?
Hello Carla,
I’d never thought of it that way. Like Roxana, in my case, Spanish is my main language and how I feel like myself. You are doing a great thing here, by making the effort of teaching them Spanish, despite the way you feel about it. I think you should continue to do so for a few years more. It is too soon to change now, they’ll probably forget Spanish if you do it now. I think they’ll have to develop more their language skills in Spanish before they can switch back and forth with no problem. For what I’ve seen (like my husband, for example) if they are fluent in Spanish by age 10, they will not forget. I am not an expert in the subject, so I recommend you inquire more before you make any decision. You’ve come so far, keep it up and you’ll do a great service to your children. Good luck!
Wow. I think you captured my heart and put it on paper. Thank you for sharing. I am a native English-speaker, but I learned Spanish through years of study and travel. I want to give my children the gift of bilingualism without all the work I went through, but I do wonder if they truly get to hear my heart. I will have to think on this one.