Like many of you reading, I had it all planned out. I had read about One Parent, One Language and knew that was how I wanted to raise my children. It was what my parents had done at home with me. My husband was completely on board. Making sure my children learned Spanish was important to me for many, many reasons.
And then they were born and it was just the strangest thing–I found that speaking to my babies in Spanish was actually quite hard. Whenever I tried to talk to them, English threatened to spill out and thwart my good intentions, and for some reason English seemed more…natural. I fought against the feeling and made myself speak Spanish anyway, but I was feeling somewhat blue and more than a little frustrated with myself.
I’m sure there were plenty of post-pregnancy hormones involved, and there was also the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do with two newborns. But mostly, I think now that things felt so daunting because I was establishing the language in which I would have a relationship with my sons. Because back in the day, before I had heard of OPOL, whenever I thought about it at all, I thought of all of my relationships as being conducted in a language.
English with my father. Spanish with my mother. English with my brother when we were little, with a shift over to Spanish at some point, though I don’t remember when. Even with my colleagues and friends who are also bilingual, we seem to have picked a language at some point and stuck with it. Switching languages, as we often do to be polite in the presence of others, just feels strange.
So I watch, fascinated, as my boys develop a relationship and I take note of which language they use. This is partly, I must say, because it is a very recent phenomenon. Secondo has autism and Primo got an official autism diagnosis this month as well. Other mothers would often exclaim, “Oh, it must be so nice, they must entertain each other so well!” And I would nod and smile, but the truth is that up until just a few months ago they largely ignored each other. Loved each other, to be sure–one was often aware of the other’s presence and became upset if his brother wasn’t around, but that was about it. Along with their educational teams, we decided that after being separated in school for two years, they could be in the same class this year, since they never paid too much attention to each other at school.
Then, last spring, things started to change. In the evening now, after I’ve turned out the lights and shut their bedroom door, I hear them. They chat with each other, read books together, clamber out of bed and take toys off the shelves. My husband and I exchange looks on the couch in the living room, but neither one of us is willing to go upstairs and interrupt their time together, even though it’s way past their bedtime. Language learning has been such an uphill battle that hearing them chitchat upstairs is music to my ears.
I hear them ask each other questions. “Which food is your favorite, this or this?” I know this is from a Richard Scarry book, and I make a mental note. Discussions about Richard Scarry, apparently, are in English. Then, later, “Mira, ¡un avión de American!” So playing with the toy airplanes is an activity conducted in Spanish. “Secondo, ¿tienes un círculo rojo?” Bingo is played in Spanish, then. And so on and so forth.
I listen, and I wonder what language will define their relationship. It is fluid, for sure. I leave town and hear them chattering away in English in the background while I am on the phone with their father. When I am around, there is more Spanish when they talk to each other. I encourage the Spanish, of course, but they live in the U.S. and I realize that at some point their relationship may be an English-only one. But heck, some days–many days–I’m just happy they’re speaking any language at all.
Hi Kimberly,
thanks for sharing – this is a topic close to my heart as well (sibling language). My kids (3 and 5) used to speak mainly English to each other when my eldest spoke both languages and the little one mixed like crazy. After a visit this summer from the minority language grandmother, the little one has switched to using the minority language with everyone, including those whom he knows don’t speak it, and also his sister. She found this hilarious at first and has been indulging him, as long as he addresses her in it first or it’s only the three of us, or she is trying to impress me. Otherwise she speaks English with him.
I find these changes quite interesting, although I assume that in the long run, they will be speaking English to each other again. But I guess we’ll see – maybe they’ll be like you and your brother and switch at some point later
Smashedpea–that is so adorable! I’m definitely finding the subject fascinating and wonder what the future holds. Also, I love visits from their minority language grandmother! Granted, she happens to be my mother, but boy, it sure does wonders for their Spanish.
Great reflection on how languages are part of our relationships. I’ve always pondered that I would have a such a difficult time if I lived in Spanish-speaking country and had to switch to speaking just English to my daughter. I always think I couldn’t do it.
But then I read these stories and I’m reminded of the huge sacrifices parents make for their children and I sit back in awe and admiration
Interesting read. Even though my siblings and cousins are all bilingual, we communicate in English. However, this last visit with familia I made an effort to speak Spanish with the Spanish speakers especially when my children were present.
However, I also had to switch to English when there were monolinguals present, yet I only speak Spanish to my kiddos directly.
My kiddos are 5 &3 and I have noticed that when they’re with me, they mostly speak Spanish, but if their father is around then they speak more English. It’s interesting to me too that when they play with their “Cars” and “Toy Story” toys they play in English (because we’ve seen the movies in English).
This language learning journey is so fascinating. Thank you for sharing, Kim, glad your kiddos are talking!
Very interesting indeed! I actually experienced something similar with my little daughter: how language is mixed with feelings. Let me explain:
I am German, my husband is Spanish and we live in the UK. Hubby and I speak Spanish to one another. When my daughter was first born, we thought three languages were too much, and decided we would both speak Spanish to her, as she would pick up English at nursery.
This was fine at first. When I found more inormation on multilingualism, though, we decided to try for me to speak only German to my daughter . I switched from Spanish to German when she was 4 months old. I felt sooo weird at first, words wouldn’t come out right, I hadn’t spoken German for a long time…
Looking back, I am so glad I am speaking German to her!!! It feels very natural now, as I sing, talk and read to her, and she is learning her first words (in all three languages). I now realise that my post-natal depression may have been due in part to me not feeling fully in my own skin.
I don’t want to discourage parents who communicate with their children in languages they have learnt later in life – but for me, I am so glad I switched!