Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on May 26, 2010.
“Hello, I was born and raised in Norwalk, CT. Both my parents are from Costa Rica. I met my husband in South Florida. He is American-born and raised in California. We got married and had our first baby girl on May 6th, 2009. Now he and I are arguing about what language to speak to her in. I suggested I speak in Spanish, and he in English, but he’s afraid that she will learn Spanish before English, and will not allow me to speak to our little girl in Spanish. I truly want her to be bilingual. Please advise as to what I can do so that this is possible. Desperately awaiting your answer. Thank you – Grettel Golson “Cabrera”.”
Dear Grettel (and others in Grettel’s situation),
You raise a very serious issue. Raising a bilingual child is much, much harder if your husband does not support you in it. Even if you are the one to be the Spanish speaker, the attitude of your husband (and other significant people in your family) will affect your success and happiness in speaking your language with your child.
The bad news is that attitudes are harder to change than beliefs. We are not aware of having them, and usually don’t know where they came from. They build up in small steps over a long period of time, so they are difficult to change quickly. But they can and do change! Understanding beliefs may be a step in the direction of changing attitudes.
What are your husband’s beliefs about children learning two languages? Who does he think of when he thinks about children who speak two languages? Was there someone in his childhood who might have put him off? Or does he just have no experience with it at all? What is it about your daughter speaking Spanish that alarms him? Is he worried about his relationship with her? Will you and she have secrets he can’t share? Is he worried for her wellbeing? Maybe he thinks that she will learn more slowly, or that people will treat her with less respect if she speaks Spanish.
All of us at Spanglishbaby know about the many advantages to the child that come from learning two languages. (I hope I made them very clear in chapter 1 of my book : ) But all the facts in the world do not convince someone with an emotional reaction that keeps him or her from processing your arguments.
The conversation about language attitudes is best undertaken before the baby is born, but it is never too late for couples to try to understand each other better, and hopefully come to an agreement. If you feel you both have too many emotional reactions, it might be helpful to have the conversation with a third party, someone your husband is comfortable with—but who shares your ideas.
Once you know what is behind your husband’s attitude, you can make a plan to begin trying to change it. (Write us back and we can brainstorm with you about it.)
Meanwhile, all is not lost. Your daughter *can* learn Spanish after she learns English. You can even switch to Spanish later when your husband’s comfort level with the language is higher. Your job now is to make or strengthen your connections with Spanish speakers, and create a positive attitude toward Spanish and Spanish speakers in your daughter, so when you get the green light, she will be ready to jump right in.
Suerte,
Barbara
Why are we Americans so resistant to learning multiple languages from an early age? I’m bilingual but the vast majority of my American friends are not. By contrast, my European friends tend to be real polyglots – speaking at least three languages (and sometimes apologetic that however many languages they speak their’s might not overlap yours – as if it were their failing not mine).
To what do you attribute our reluctance?
That’s a great question, Sabrina, and one I’ve asked myself countless of occasions. I think there are a lot of reasons why many Americans are so resistant to bilingualism. The following ones are just what I’ve come to learn through the years and plenty of research.
I think the main reason is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what’s different from the norm, from what they have been so accustomed to. Fear that learning a language other than English means they’re not American enough.
Right along with fear is the ignorance surrounding bilingualism. Bilingualism is clouded with a ton of myths that have been perpetuated even by professionals, such as teachers, doctors, linguists, who most of us respect and look at for advise.
Our goal here at SpanglishBaby is to be able to debunk these misconceptions and to prove that bilingualism doesn’t cause language or any other form of delays, it doesn’t confuse children, it’s not impossible, etc, etc., while creating a community for those of us who are already aware of the benefits of bilingualism and just want the support to continue moving forward with it.
Thanks for stopping by. I might just make your question the topic of a future post
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My friend is english speaker non-hispanic and married a mexican bi-lingual man. she wanted the kids to learn spanish and he did not want them to speak it. He refused to teach them. All their paternal family members did and Abulitas spoke only spanish. He so regretted not teaching his kids Spanish as kids.
I could never understand why. It is a wonderful thing to be bi-lingual (or more!!) and so beneficial to the kids as adults.
Even if my husband said no i would still talk only in Spanish to my child.
I’d like to add that i would do that when he wasn’t around. I would talk bi-lingually when he was. And if it really disturbed him then only when he was at work and such
Grettel, I hope you will keep reaching out for support and don’t let even your husband hold you back from putting forth your absolute best effort. If you have to be creative and it takes a long time, just don’t give up. You have a very valuable gift you can give. In my work I meet many many multicultural people and honestly, don’t think I’ve ever known someone who was glad about it if their parents could have given them a second language and just didn’t. I would also like to tell you, that if you and your husband can come to an agreement on this, the experience will be a really good foundation for working together on all the other decisions you will have to make as a team with your child growing up (especially during those teenage years…!)
Hmm i hope you don’t get offended with this question, but how much does a site like yours earn?