“Hello, I was born and raised in Norwalk, CT. Both my parents are from Costa Rica. I met my husband in South Florida. He is American-born and raised in California. We got married and had our first baby girl on May 6th, 2009. Now he and I are arguing about what language to speak to her in. I suggested I speak in Spanish, and he in English, but he’s afraid that she will learn Spanish before English, and will not allow me to speak to our little girl in Spanish. I truly want her to be bilingual. Please advise as to what I can do so that this is possible. Desperately awaiting your answer. Thank you – Grettel Golson “Cabrera”.”
Dear Grettel (and others in Grettel’s situation),
You raise a very serious issue. Raising a bilingual child is much, much harder if your husband does not support you in it. Even if you are the one to be the Spanish speaker, the attitude of your husband (and other significant people in your family) will affect your success and happiness in speaking your language with your child.
The bad news is that attitudes are harder to change than beliefs. We are not aware of having them, and usually don’t know where they came from. They build up in small steps over a long period of time, so they are difficult to change quickly. But they can and do change! Understanding beliefs may be a step in the direction of changing attitudes.
What are your husband’s beliefs about children learning two languages? Who does he think of when he thinks about children who speak two languages? Was there someone in his childhood who might have put him off? Or does he just have no experience with it at all? What is it about your daughter speaking Spanish that alarms him? Is he worried about his relationship with her? Will you and she have secrets he can’t share? Is he worried for her wellbeing? Maybe he thinks that she will learn more slowly, or that people will treat her with less respect if she speaks Spanish.
All of us at Spanglishbaby know about the many advantages to the child that come from learning two languages. (I hope I made them very clear in chapter 1 of my book : ) But all the facts in the world do not convince someone with an emotional reaction that keeps him or her from processing your arguments.
The conversation about language attitudes is best undertaken before the baby is born, but it is never too late for couples to try to understand each other better, and hopefully come to an agreement. If you feel you both have too many emotional reactions, it might be helpful to have the conversation with a third party, someone your husband is comfortable with—but who shares your ideas.
Once you know what is behind your husband’s attitude, you can make a plan to begin trying to change it. (Write us back and we can brainstorm with you about it.)
Meanwhile, all is not lost. Your daughter *can* learn Spanish after she learns English. You can even switch to Spanish later when your husband’s comfort level with the language is higher. Your job now is to make or strengthen your connections with Spanish speakers, and create a positive attitude toward Spanish and Spanish speakers in your daughter, so when you get the green light, she will be ready to jump right in.
Suerte,
Barbara
Barbara Zurer Pearson, Ph. D. – A bilingualism expert with over twenty years of research experience in the fields of bilingualism, linguistics, and communication disorders, Pearson is the author of the informative and extremely useful book Do you have a question for our experts? Remember no question is too big or too simple. So, to send us your question, please click here or leave a comment below. Thank you!
Barbara’s advice is spot on, and I wish you the best Grettel in what seems like a hopeless situation. It is not hopeless, though! You simply need to explore why your husband feels this way, believes this view point to be a good one and continue with a smile because your little one is watching your every move!
.-= Beth Butler´s last blog ..Vacation Bible School (VBS) Gets Help From Boca Beth =-.
I like Barbara’s advice as well. And Grettel…good for you for going out on a limb to share your story with us. I bet there are a lot of other spouses feeling the same way now they have some advice, too
Suzanne
This article hits the nail on the head! It is about beliefs that form attitudes and the questions you provide as a starting point for discussion and exploration are spot on. Great advice that I hope to share with any of my friends and family facing this dilemma.
.-= Lilliana´s last blog ..What a mother will do =-.
Great answer, Barbara! Our beliefs are just so darn strong, aren’t they? I know this in myself but on the other side of the bilingual spectrum.
In addition to what you wrote, I’d also suggest printing out some articles about the benefits of bilingualism (how it helps the brain, helps creative thinking, etc.) and leave them around the house – on the coffee table, dining room table, night stand. Maybe the husband will read them at some point and come up with the idea “himself” that Spanish would be a great idea!
Cheers,
Corey
I agree with above, and the benefits to your child far outway the initial work you may have getting the whole family on board. Keep selling your project. Your husband will be so thankful in the end.
notsospanish.blogspot.com
My husband was a little unsure about us starting down this road (almost 7 years ago) since I would be the one at home and most input would come from me. At age two when my son was mostly speaking in Spanish he really started to get worried. Then, as often happens, between two and three when language exploded anyway, English became just as strong as his Spanish, and now my husband worries when we don’t have enough Spanish support.
The truth is, from my personal experience and that of friends, your husband is probably right. Chances are she will learn (or more to the point, use) Spanish first if you are her primary caregiver and that is the language you use. But, as she gets older and her exposure to the community language increases (assuming you are in the US) and her time interacting with dad increases so will her inspiration to use more English and before you know it you will see that living in a English speaking country you have little to fear in that she will master English. Having her also maintain Spanish is the more challenging side, most likely. It sounds like the challenge for you is finding a way for him to see long term, and not be held back by his short term worries. Not an easy task.
I think its important to acknowledge your husband’s fears, and try to talk through how you can assuage them, and also help him understand why this is so important to you. There are a myriad of books on the subject these days if he is a reader, helpful websites like this one and others like it. It would be great if you could find a Spanish playgroup in your area so he could meet other dad’s and see their kids and have some anecdotal evidence it will all work out. In my experience your situation is common here in the US (mom is the Spanish speaker and dad is American born English only speaker) so odds are high you could find a family that could talk you both through their experiences.
At the least maybe while you find a language system that works for your family you could start with a compromise like you speak Spanish while in the house, English outside….
Best of luck whatever you decide.
Maria H
My 4 year old daughter was spoken spanish only by me in her first two years of age. My husband has always spoke English to her. She started in a day care when she was 2 1/2 and she cought up to English much faster than what i would think , and now I notice all she speaks is English but she understands everything in Spanish what do I do? she wont speak Spanish unless i tell her to repeat it. I need help before is to late. how can I help correct this. Lately I’ve been stressed about that because it means a lot to me that she speaks spanish.