Recently, there has been a lot of buzz in the media, and especially the blogosphere, that has reignited the so-called “Mommy Wars.” If you’re not familiar with the term, it refers to the battle between moms over nearly every little parenting decision, in particular the decision to work or stay home. The controversial TIME Magazine cover on breastfeeding, the new book on modern motherhood by Elizabeth Badinter, and other debates of recent years have me contemplating how this all applies to our decision to raise bilingual children.
Given that my husband and I have decided that I will stay home with my son and stepdaughters for the coming school year, I am even more preoccupied with these “wars” than most. After working 6+ days a week since last August and keeping late hours due to the demands of self-employment, I am thrilled that I will now have the time to interact with the kids without interruption or preoccupation.
The thing I’m most excited about, though, is being able to reinforce Spanish once again. To be honest, I have felt like a complete failure on that front since tutoring took over my life. My stepdaughters are learning Spanish in their elementary magnet program, and my son is always with his Spanish-speaking babysitter or grandparents, but it hasn’t been enough for me to feel like bilingualism is still a priority in our family. I miss being here to watch the evolution of language from the mouth of a little one.
Maybe this feeling of guilt and needing to be personally involved stems from the fact that those mamá debates often extend to the realm of what we are teaching our kids. From getting on the perfect preschool’s waiting list to bragging about how many languages/words each child knows, some parents make the Spanish fluency goal a tough one to feel good about. I would venture to say that most of us are not interested in teaching our children Spanish so that we can flaunt it before the monolingual world, but we will still be made out to be that way by those who don’t have the resources to do so for their children.
Many public voices have called for an end to the Mommy Wars, and I see SpanglishBaby’s community as an example of how support — even of the virtual variety — can take the fear out of standing firmly in our parenting choices. We should each make an effort to spread a curiosity about and understanding of the bilingual life to other parents. Most importantly, we have to respect the choices of some parents NOT to raise their children in more than one language.
Let’s take a moment to remember that a good ofensa and defensa do not constitute good parenting.
¿Qué piensas tú? How do we sometimes wage “war” on each other re: bilingualism?
{Image via Neeta Lind}
Great post, Chelsea! I completely agree about the mommy wars and how unproductive and divisive they can be. I can also see how they come to be though. Especially, when we (as mothers) have made decisions to raise our befit@s a certain way. Not tool long ago I wrote on FB that I wanted to form a play group with parents speak to their child strictly in Spanish. I got some, but very little response, partially because not many parents (at least the ones I know) are doing this. One of my friends asked if this was the reason why we hadn’t gotten together—ouch!
I think what I have ultimately decided to do is continue to raise her in Spanish (inside and outside the home) and the rest is out of my control.
excuse all the typos—its early here in Texas and I haven’t had my cafesito yet!
Thank you, Suzanne. Interesting anecdote about trying to form a Spanish playgroup. It can feel like an uphill battle, and like we are alone in our choice. That’s why it’s so amazing to read the ongoing statistics about the growth of the Hispanic population at the same time that we sometimes struggle to find like-minded parents. (http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1940/hispanic-united-states-population-growth-2010-census)
It shouldn’t feel like a war at all if we are surrounded by Spanish speakers, but it does make sense that there will be some confusion about and backlash against the fastest-growing demographic by those who aren’t so comfortable with the language and culture.
*chuckle* I read this entry and then saw the ad for the ‘bilingual is better’ book
but yes, in our family we try very very very hard to see language as a tool rather than an end result .. we speak dutch at home because, well, that’s our home language; we make sure our kids learn english because here in the US, it really is is the language of privilege, we send our kid to our spanish immersion school because it’s a terrific school
still, it’s easy to make social shortcuts and act all proud of raising kids with three languages (while knowing that it’s very hard/near impossible for most kids to be truly trilingual) and as a result make others feel ‘lesser’ … i try to explain that learning spanish in our particular situation is a consequence of school choice … and literally one of the ** best** unintended consequences in my life
still, i very much applaud the ideas behind “we have to respect the choices of some parents NOT to raise their children in more than one language” …
for those of us that come from an inherently multilingual background, this ‘respect’ takes a lot of effort … and coming from a Dutch speaking background (30 million or so people speak dutch worldwide and *most* of those 30 million speak English) i find it especially hard to understand why anybody would de-emphasize spanish! 400 plus million speakers worldwide!!!
ps, thanks very much for the blog! i stumbled across it a couple of weeks ago via spanishplayground
and then explain it was the best accident ever
still,
Interesting points, especially about the unique Dutch-speaker experience.
I see this as such a First World problem (the tendency to brag about multilingual kids). In some parts of the world, learning more than one language is a sheer necessity. We should all feel grateful for the level of control we have over our children’s exposure to various cultures and tongues.
What an interesting take on the mommy wars. I honestly never thought that anyone would think my obsession…err..decision to raise my daughter bilingually would be an offense to them.
It’s something so, so, so personal and I am always careful that I put myself in the other’s shoes before I judge.
Of course, I admit it’s hard for me to understand why someone would just NOT want their child to learn a second language, so that’s when I’ll start blurting out all the research, the benefits, etc, etc… I might by *slightly* annoying, but I hope not enough to engage in a mommy war!! I hope…
I don’t think you should worry, Ana. I’m sure most people admire what you’re doing. However, it is easy to forget just how difficult imparting a second language can be for those who may not have all the same resources you do. Even for me, surrounded by Spanish, I sometimes feel inadequately prepared because I don’t have family in a Spanish-speaking country or a history of cultural traditions to support my decision.
And that´s precisely why I am always in such awe of parents like you!!!
Ay caray! Chelsea you gave me so much food for thought! I also find it difficult (ok, honestly impossible) to understand when parents who speak other languages decide to speak English only to their children, en serio? NO! why? I ask! I always bring out how wonderful it is for kids because of x y z… I feel they are miss informed and I have to wear the super-informed-bilingual-mommy hat. But next time, I will not judge ( got tolerance?) however, I think I will keep bringing out the facts and maybe someone could change his/her mind… I will probably be more humble. Gracias Chelsea!